the weekend is here, the weekend is here!

AHHH! I am SO excited!! After working for almost 3 weeks with 1 day off and working extra hours every day- I am pooped! I am SO excited to have the weekend off! I am NOT setting the alarm tomorrow and may just spend both of these days off on the beach! We will see :D I would also like to get our apartment finally finished to post pics! so hopefully that will be coming soon!

So I have said over and over how I love it here :D well these people do not know what Cheerwine is and most of them have never tasted NC BBQ! One of my co-workers invited us to a barbecue his staff is having this weekend and I got SO excited for some pork! BUT then he told me they were just doing hamburgers and hot dogs. THAT IS NOT barbecue! BBQ is the yummy vinegar based pig that has cooked all day. makes me sad. oh well. lol I need a really good recipe so i can educate these people! :D

Also on the upside- I went to the gym 4 times this week so far! WOOT WOOT! almost finish with week 1 of from couch to 5k! I saw my boss in the gym today and she made me feel bad for not doing more when she was so I kept working out and then we lifted weights. She kicked my butt. We are going to start going together in the mornings to motivate us! YAY! :D She is the best.

Anyway, I am looking forward to the weekend and will keep you posted on what I decide to do!

Say What?!

I cant believe move in is already over and I am in my daily routine. Time flies! Move in was slow and consistant, which was good. However, the hours were LONG! I cant really complain though because I get compenstation time for anything over 37.5! YAY! lol. This week I am here every evening too for floor meetings. I cant wait until there is a normal week! wait....is there in this profession?! lol we shall see! :D

This is a picture of the lovely ladies I work with in Mahoney. I need to get the one from Pearson still.

This weekend and in my little spare time John and I were able to get the rest of our furniture- YAY! we got a kitchen cart, a desk, a desk chair (all of which had to be put together) and then other stuff for the apartment. It is FINALLY almost finished! John has worked so hard over the past few days to work on unpacking the last of our stuff and I love him so much for it. I really wish I could be there to do more though :( I like playing house! haha. When we did put our furniture together the kitchen cart took about 2 hours and the desk took like 3 or 4- I dont even remember. lol. BUT it is all done and I am VERY excited about that! As soon as we get everything hung on the walls and the odds and ends taken care of I will post pics of our apartment. I really like it a lot. It is pretty small, but John and I have gotten creative with our stuff and really like living there a lot. :D

In other areas of my life- I started going to the gym again. It was very much needed and is kicking my butt. I get up now before work and head to the gym, which is a pretty good routine. I dont have to be into work until 10, so I get up at 8- which for those of you who know me is a GREAT schedule for me! Unfortunately, I had to start the "from couch to 5-K" again. After going home for so long and then getting back here and being SO busy, I just needed to start over. So Monday I started it and I targeted the lower body with weights. Tuesday I ran again and targeted the upper body. I was way too sore to go this morning. lol. SO, I figured I would try and go when I get off work. We'll see how that goes :D I have also been eating WAY better and just overall have so much more energy and feel good. YAY!

I also went to see a counselor yesterday. Dealing with my dad has been hard and I am not sure that I am actually dealing with it. So I chatted with him and learned a lot about the process. A lot of it matched up with the book my director gave me, which was kind of neat to see. Recently my emotions have been in overdrive. When I get mad, I get really mad and when I get sad, I get really sad. At some points I feel like I could cry at any second and other days I just push it out compeltely and make myself busy. I didnt even realize my emotions were crazy. Whenever I would tell John something that happened, I would get so worked up and he started saying- there is clearly more to this than what you are saying. BUT, there really wasnt. So, I was glad to find out that all these reactions are normal. Apparently when things as big as this happen in someone's life they can become mildly depressed, even if they dont realize it. He described it as your emotions being punched and pretty much described how I was reacting. So I feel better and not like I am crazy. Unfortunately, everyone reacts and heals differently so I am not sure when everything will seem real. I know it will just take time. I am incredibly blessed to have such an amazing support systerm though! YAY for an amazing husband, family, friends, and co-workers!

On a brighter note- I caught up with an old friend recently :D YAY for Jennie O! She was one of the first people I met in college. She was the resident director of the building I moved into when I was a freshman in college. She then got me interested in becoming and RA and then going to Grad School for Higher Education. She told me all about it and sold me on student affairs for a living! A great mentor and friend! :D Between her influence and the help of another great friend and old resident director Lis Ellis, here I am! and loving what I do at that :D Anyway, Jennie O and I are great together and I have missed talking to her all the time! However, (and I know you are reading this!) we are definitely going to stay in better touch and talk a lot more! She is a wonderful listener and just great friend all around. A truly amazing person and I am so blessed to have her in my life. Even though we were not as close as we would have liked over the past few years, she was still there for me for the biggest moments in my life. She came to mine and Johns wedding and to my father's funeral. She is just the best and I love her to death :D

A month later...

Wow, it's hard to believe that already a month has gone by since my dad passed away. In fact, it's still very hard to believe that he passed away. I find myself looking at pictures sometimes and I just get so sad because I cant believe I wont see him ever again. My mind literally cannot grasp that idea.

Death is interesting. I just cant believe that one day someone can be talking to you and calling you on the phone and then the next they are gone. Or in my dad's case I cant believe he can be watching TV and making himself lunch one minute and then gone forever in the next. I just dont get it. It's so permanent. It sucks.

I want my daddy back so bad. Its a good and bad thing that I have had work to distract me. I have been SO busy with opening it's a bit ridiculous. BUT it keeps my mind off everything. Thats the good part. The bad part is I dont think that I am really dealing with it and just pushing it out of mind. I wonder how long it will take for it to be real. I know it's different for everyone, so I wonder what it will be for me.

I am definitely getting pets for my children one day. I think this is even harder for me because I have never really dealt with death before. My grandpa passed away when I was younger, and while I loved him a lot I really wasnt that close to him and definitely didnt see or talk to him almost every day. I also had a cousin die when I was really young and again- I didnt see her every day, actually rarely so it was very different. I never had any pets and I think that would have helped me learn how to deal with death. I dont know, I may be crazy but my kids will still have pets and have to deal with it.

Anyway, life goes on as normal as it can now. Everyone is back to work and back in the flow of things. Sometimes I wonder how that can be possible. Shouldn't the world just stop? I know it shouldn't, but I feel like that sometimes. Today is hard. I will however, try to make the best of it as much as I can.

Crazy Week!

This week has been ridiculous - in good ways and bad. RA training about took it out of me! It was great though because I love my staffs :D they are crazy and so much fun.

This week though (this week being from like last Friday till today, lol), after not much sleep at all, I definitely backed into a parked car. The car was also in a handicapped spot. Yes, that's right- I hit a handicapped persons car. How awful! LOL. I have to LOL at myself for that one. I am pretty sure I wont hear the end of it from John either. Luckily, there was no damage to their car at all. Just to ours and it's just a little dent in our bumper. Hopefully, we can fix the dent ourselves. While it made me upset at the time- it's pretty funny now. John and I had a bet going about who would get in an accident first down here- John says I lost, but I dont count it because there was no damage to their car. lol :D

We have also been hanging out with some of our friends from my work. Nate and Leigh Ellen are AWESOME :D. We had a game night one night this week with them and played Scene It. The games was only supposed to take like 30 minutes to play- it took us like 2 hours. I was HORRIBLE! but to be fair some of the movies I had never even heard of. It was a good time though. We then went over there the next night to watch some Monday Night football. One of my other coworkers, Leslie (Nevina ;D) was having a video game night with her staff so we went to that for while too. Good times all around. She introduced me to peanut butter filled pretzels- WHAT? they were amazingly delicious!

Today marked opening! CRAZY! it's like a production here! the RAs decorate their entire floors with a different theme on top of door decs and bulletin boards. They also decorate the lobby- which is covered in everything green and orange. We also have balloons EVERYWHERE! Inculding a balloon arch. Ridiculous. lol It's neat though. They also cheer for each of the new Canes. SO much fun! It's been pretty slow today, but I have heard tomorrow will be more crazy- we shall see. I am going to be exhausted after 7am-7pm shifts the next few days. Luckily I love the people I work with or I would dread it.

This is me and Sebastian! I felt like a traitor taking this, but he was fun. I told him I was a Wolfpack fan and he shook his head and then kissed me. lol Dont worry NCSU family- I still love my Wolfpack the most!

That's all for now!

RA Training!

The time has come! Training started Saturday night. CRAZY! where did the summer go? I mean for realz!?

I LOVE my staff! I work with Mahoney and Pearson, so I have A LOT of RAs I get to work with! 36 to be exact- they are crazy and I love it. We have had so much fun. For our team building day we went bowling because it was pouring rain. and needless to say- I kicked their butts. I warned them, but they just didnt believe me. LOL. it was a good time. Other than that training has been busy and tiring, but a lot of fun. I LOVE my job. I love waking up and being excited about what I do. We had Sebatian the Ibis (our mascot) come to our opening banquet. I was SO excited that I was the first one up to get a picture with him. haha I am such a dork :D I'll post a pic when it gets sent to me.

My office furniture also finally came! it is SO nice! I'll post pics when I actually get to set up my office!

Anyway, YAY for training! and even more YAY for it being half over. haha I'll just be happy to sleep again:D

Reality

Back in Miami I started work the Monday I got back. It was weird seeing all the UM people again. It made my trip to Raleigh seem even more like a dream. I know I looked a mess too. It was good to see everyone though! That first week back was filled with getting ready for RA training and trying to catch up on what I missed. SO MUCH NEEDED TO BE DONE! I was a bit overwhelmed.

On top of all the work stuff- our permanent apartment was ready for us to move in to- so we had to start the moving process AGAIN. I did forget to mention in my last post though that one of my fabulous coworkers picked me and John up from the airport and had the keys to our new apartment for us. She was really excited to see it with us and so we went to show it to her. and guess what- both of my Leslies and Nate (all coworkers) had set up our apartment for us and moved some of our stuff over. I mean, they put together our bed, made our bed, put together our stools and coffee table, moved over all our kitchen appliances, and had dinner for us. I really dont have words for how great they are. Everything just keeps reinforcing that this is where God really wanted us to come. just AMAZING :D

That last week of getting ready for the RAs was great because I finally felt ready and like I knew what I was doing. Everyone was great about catching me and being there for me. I did realize during this though that now that I wasnt at home doing a million things, there was a lot of time to still think. I realized that I am having a difficult time dealing with my dad's death. I know it's normal. Some days I just want to stay at home and cry but I know I cant- too much to do. I know my dad wouldnt want me to mope either. It's still hard though. I found that I talk about him a lot. I dont mean to- it just comes out. I really hope I am not making people uncomfortable, but it's nice to talk about him.

I think my director of housing was worried about me. He keeps asking if I am doing okay and is being SO nice. I told him I was having a hard time with it and he talked to me some about it. He also gave me a book called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love." SO thoughtful of him. He also provided me with other resources if I needed them. I mean I know I've said this over and over but the people here are just so amazing and I am SO lucky. It means so much to me to have such a loving staff during such a hard time like this.

I know all of this will get easier but in the meantime, some days are really hard and others are good. I have an amazing support system and that really helps. John is always great, always asking what he can do for me. I also talk to my family all the time now- which is also great. I am a very lucky person, with tons of loving people :D

I will heal, I know it. It will just take time.

Two weeks in Raleigh

Obviously a lot has happened in the past few weeks that I didnt write about yesterday- SO I'll try to catch you up without making it too long! :D

We ended up staying in Raleigh for a week after my dad's funeral. There was just SO much to do! and it was beyond nice to spend time with my family. In fact, I dont remember the last time I spent that much consecutive time with my family since the summer after my sophomore year in college. crazy. Time goes by so fast! Well John and I decided that there was SO much to do around the house before we left. We wanted to help my mom get most of it done so she could kind of start fresh and didnt have tons to do. We did A LOT! (with a lot of help from Sherry, Chris, my mom, Mr. and Mrs. Martin, and Aunt Rhonda and Uncle Marcus) Including:
-cleaning out the kitchen pantry, cabinets, and fridge.
-cleaning out my mom's bathroom
-cleaning out my mom's closet
-cleaning out her room and reorganized it (all the hospital stuff had to go back to the hospital and it just wouldnt be good to leave the room the same as when my dad lived there)
-cleaning out the attic (which included a mouse! YIKES! he was really cute but scary at the same time. John put a box on top of the box he was in and took him to the dump. lol!) this one took FOREVER
-cleaning out the garage (again.)
-pretty much just doing basic cleaning to all the rooms in the house
-touched up the walls where my dad's wheelchair put dents in it or scratched it up
-repainted those spots
-wrote thank you notes
-helped my mom figure out bills
-changed cable, phone, and internet service
-got cell phones
-put stuff on craigslist to sell
-and went through all my dad's stuff and boxed the keepsakes away

WOO! We still didnt get everything done that we wanted to but that's okay. It really didnt even feel like that much- PLUS we got to spend some good time with them! One night we had John's parents over and had ribs and other yummy food to just thank them for all that they did for my family. Then we played a game. It was a lot of fun :D. I miss being near home for these kinds of nights. Actually, I just miss being near home but I know that being in Miami will be good for me and John for a few years.

We came back to Miami on Saturday night- it was REALLY hard to say goodbye. But everyone seemed to be doing alright and I needed to get back to work. I couldnt believe how much time they had already let me take. I truly have an amazing workplace. John's aunt Vicky was able to get us first class tickets again on the ride home. It was SO much fun! I was able to enjoy this ride much more. They brought us drinks, warm nuts, cookies, and then a chicken salad! YUMMY! John's a goofball so it was a blast. I will definitely work on taking more pics from now on :D

While the reason for the trip was one that I could do without, it was a great trip. I know my dad would have wanted me to enjoy it :D

My daddy

So, I know it's been a really long time since I've blogged, but I just havent been able to write this one.

The world lost an amazing man, the best man I have ever known, on July 19th. My sweet, sweet father went to be with Jesus that day and while I am so happy for him- my heart is in so much pain. It just doesnt seem real and I dont think it ever will.

I went to work as usual that Monday and came home around 3 to do some work on my laptop, since my office wasnt set up yet. I was sitting on the couch working on some stuff when my sister called John. I dont know why, but it always scared me when she called John and not me and I had that feeling again. He kept telling her to calm down because he couldnt understand her. Then his eyes got watery, he put the phone down, looked at me and said words I forever feared and will never forget. He told me my dad died. It felt like in that minute my whole world fell apart. I literally screamed NO and I am pretty sure I scared John to death (I feel so bad for that). I cant even begin to tell you how I felt. There were so many emotions and I didnt even know what to do. I dont know why but that image plays over and over again in my mind - the words, how I reacted, and what I felt. Just so much.

I was able to talk to my sister for a little bit and found out that she found my dad :( I wish I was the one who did so she didnt have to go through that. I cant even begin to imagine what she is going through. She was all by herself and had to call 911 and my mom. I cant imagine how my mom felt either. Losing my dad has been the hardest thing in my life- I cant imagine being married to your best friend for 30 years and losing him unexpectedly. It just doesnt seem fair.

Unfortunately, we will never know how my daddy died. He just had so many things wrong with him. An autopsy would have been very expensive and probably not helpful because of everything wrong with him. Even though there were so many things wrong with him- he still seemed to be getting better. For those of you who dont know the situation, my dad had a major stroke in 2002 that left him paralyzed on half his body. He lived in a nursing home for years and was finally well enough to come home a little over a year ago. He wanted nothing more than to move home and be with his family every day. I am so glad that he was able to spend his last year at home, seeing his family every day. They said he was so peaceful when they found him. I am so thankful for that. He was in so much pain for his whole life and he died in peace. What are the odds of that? It was just his time and God wanted him with Him. I am so glad my dad was such a faithful man and even more glad that I will see him again one day. :) I know he is no longer in pain and can walk and dance and is just so happy in Heaven.

Anyway, I turned on my "what do I need to do" mode after finding out and started calling people. NOBODY would answer their phone. I felt so helpless. Here I am stuck in Miami, away from my family and nobody will answer their phone. It was awful. I finally called John's mom and told her what happened and to take care of my mom until I could get there. I have the best in-laws- really I do.

I also have the best husband. He was there for me when I needed him and let me be when I needed it. I know I was a wreck and probably scared him to death, but he handled it so well. I finally let myself sit down again when I couldnt get a hold of anyone and sat in his lap and just cried. I love him so much for that. He will never know just how much.

John got right on the phone and found us the first flight to Raleigh. Of course I got the news at 3:30 and the flight wasnt until 9pm. I thought I was going to lose it. I called my boss and told her what was going on and she told me to just go. While we were packing and I continued to call people, Artie and another one of my co-workers came by for hugs. It was beyond nice. I truly have the best co-workers in the world.

Calling people was so hard. Nobody believed me at first. I had to repeat myself numerous times with the awful news. I knew my mom couldnt do it, and I didnt mind so I called everyone I could. One of the worst things about this whole thing, was my brother was in Germany and we couldnt get up with him. :( UGH.

We finally made it to the airport and John held me the whole time. John's aunt was able to get us quick tickets and even upgrade us to first class! I wish I could have enjoyed it- but I just wanted to get home. It felt like forever. John parents picked us up from the airport and when I got home I just ran through the door and hugged my mom and sister for the longest time. We all ended up sleeping in the same bed because we didnt want to be apart.

The next day we ended up getting up with Chris and it turned out he couldnt get an earlier flight home. I felt so bad for him having to be stuck in another country with that news. Luckily my aunt was with him and kept him company and busy. I love her for that. I am sure she wanted to fall apart because it was her brother, but she didnt and for that I am grateful.

Family started came in the next few days and we started making arrangements. Even now this doesnt feel real. We went the funeral home and I was able to see him. I balled. I thought seeing him would make it feel real, but it didnt. We met with the funeral home and made arrangements. We decided to cremate him and hold the funeral at Asbury. Chris's youth pastor was asked to officiate and he said yes. Those days seem like a blur. We didnt cremate my dad until my brother was able to see him and say goodbye. I went again and it really did help. SO hard, but it helped. He did look peaceful and like he was in no pain.

We had the funeral the same day we went to see my dad for the last time. We put out a lot of pictures and a lot of his stuff that represented his life. The service was beautiful and everything my dad would have wanted. We had a time for reflections and a lot of people got up to say the nicest things about my dad. I wrote him a poem that I'll post at the end of my blog. We also had a picture tribute and a rose ceremony. It was beautiful. We sang Amazing Grace (his favorite) and had scripture on his favorite passage, Pslam 23. Perfect. The rose ceremony was at the end and the family went and we put roses next to his picture. The song Longer Than by Dan Fogelberg played- it was my mom and dad's song. It was great. We had a receiving line afterwards and SO many people came. There are so many wonderful people in my family's lives. It was truly a blessing and a tribute to who my father was.

My dad was the best man in the world. I cant believe he is gone. I dont think I ever will. When something unexpected happens like that, I dont know if you can. It will be a process for sure and a very long journey of healing. Luckily, I have wonderful friends and an amazing family. I also have the best husband in the world that has supported me through every step of this. He's cried with me, held me, loved me, listened to me, and just done more than anyone could ever know for me. It makes it a little easier having so many wonderful people in my life.

I am the biggest daddy's girl in the world and I always will be. I love my dad SO much and miss him more than words can say. Here is my poem and some pictures:

Daddy you were my hero
For my very youngest years;
You kept me safe and happy,
And you chased away my fears.

Your love was forever strong,
Your cuddles forever tight.
Everyday since I was born,
Your love was always in sight.

I watched in awe and wonder
At each manly thing you did;
Oh, how I looked up to you,
When I was a little kid.

You may have thought I didn't see,
Or that I hadn't heard,
Life lessons that you taught to me,
But I got every word.

Daddy you were still my hero,
As the years passed, one by one.

You held my hand and encouraged me

But still always had time for fun

You were the biggest jokester

And could always make me smile

Cracking joke after joke after joke

You would have me rolling for miles

You were my firm foundation;
On you I did depend;
You were always there for me,
My dad, my guide, my friend.

Daddy you are still my hero,
Now that I am fully grown.
I love you and respect you,
You are the best man I've ever known.

You loved your family dearly

Throughout all your years

The impact that you made on us

In our hearts will always be near.

Daddy you were the most faithful man

That anyone could ever know.

Even with all your pain and suffering

Your love for Christ continued to grow.

This faith you taught to your family

And to it always hold on

To trust Christ with all our hearts

And our hope would never be gone.

Without you, Dad, I wouldn't be
The woman I am today;
You built a strong foundation
No one can take away.

Now you will be in Heaven,

And it seems easy to go grow apart
But Dad, that just wont happen,
because you are written on my heart.

I will always be your little girl,
And you will always be my Dad.
I know I will always be the luckiest,
To have the best Dad any girl could have had.

My Daddy I love you with all my heart,
Much more than I ever say.
You are my world, my everything,
and will continue to be each and every day.

He was always such a goof ;)

Rest In Peace Daddy. I love you and will miss you until I get to see you again :D