My daddy

So, I know it's been a really long time since I've blogged, but I just havent been able to write this one.

The world lost an amazing man, the best man I have ever known, on July 19th. My sweet, sweet father went to be with Jesus that day and while I am so happy for him- my heart is in so much pain. It just doesnt seem real and I dont think it ever will.

I went to work as usual that Monday and came home around 3 to do some work on my laptop, since my office wasnt set up yet. I was sitting on the couch working on some stuff when my sister called John. I dont know why, but it always scared me when she called John and not me and I had that feeling again. He kept telling her to calm down because he couldnt understand her. Then his eyes got watery, he put the phone down, looked at me and said words I forever feared and will never forget. He told me my dad died. It felt like in that minute my whole world fell apart. I literally screamed NO and I am pretty sure I scared John to death (I feel so bad for that). I cant even begin to tell you how I felt. There were so many emotions and I didnt even know what to do. I dont know why but that image plays over and over again in my mind - the words, how I reacted, and what I felt. Just so much.

I was able to talk to my sister for a little bit and found out that she found my dad :( I wish I was the one who did so she didnt have to go through that. I cant even begin to imagine what she is going through. She was all by herself and had to call 911 and my mom. I cant imagine how my mom felt either. Losing my dad has been the hardest thing in my life- I cant imagine being married to your best friend for 30 years and losing him unexpectedly. It just doesnt seem fair.

Unfortunately, we will never know how my daddy died. He just had so many things wrong with him. An autopsy would have been very expensive and probably not helpful because of everything wrong with him. Even though there were so many things wrong with him- he still seemed to be getting better. For those of you who dont know the situation, my dad had a major stroke in 2002 that left him paralyzed on half his body. He lived in a nursing home for years and was finally well enough to come home a little over a year ago. He wanted nothing more than to move home and be with his family every day. I am so glad that he was able to spend his last year at home, seeing his family every day. They said he was so peaceful when they found him. I am so thankful for that. He was in so much pain for his whole life and he died in peace. What are the odds of that? It was just his time and God wanted him with Him. I am so glad my dad was such a faithful man and even more glad that I will see him again one day. :) I know he is no longer in pain and can walk and dance and is just so happy in Heaven.

Anyway, I turned on my "what do I need to do" mode after finding out and started calling people. NOBODY would answer their phone. I felt so helpless. Here I am stuck in Miami, away from my family and nobody will answer their phone. It was awful. I finally called John's mom and told her what happened and to take care of my mom until I could get there. I have the best in-laws- really I do.

I also have the best husband. He was there for me when I needed him and let me be when I needed it. I know I was a wreck and probably scared him to death, but he handled it so well. I finally let myself sit down again when I couldnt get a hold of anyone and sat in his lap and just cried. I love him so much for that. He will never know just how much.

John got right on the phone and found us the first flight to Raleigh. Of course I got the news at 3:30 and the flight wasnt until 9pm. I thought I was going to lose it. I called my boss and told her what was going on and she told me to just go. While we were packing and I continued to call people, Artie and another one of my co-workers came by for hugs. It was beyond nice. I truly have the best co-workers in the world.

Calling people was so hard. Nobody believed me at first. I had to repeat myself numerous times with the awful news. I knew my mom couldnt do it, and I didnt mind so I called everyone I could. One of the worst things about this whole thing, was my brother was in Germany and we couldnt get up with him. :( UGH.

We finally made it to the airport and John held me the whole time. John's aunt was able to get us quick tickets and even upgrade us to first class! I wish I could have enjoyed it- but I just wanted to get home. It felt like forever. John parents picked us up from the airport and when I got home I just ran through the door and hugged my mom and sister for the longest time. We all ended up sleeping in the same bed because we didnt want to be apart.

The next day we ended up getting up with Chris and it turned out he couldnt get an earlier flight home. I felt so bad for him having to be stuck in another country with that news. Luckily my aunt was with him and kept him company and busy. I love her for that. I am sure she wanted to fall apart because it was her brother, but she didnt and for that I am grateful.

Family started came in the next few days and we started making arrangements. Even now this doesnt feel real. We went the funeral home and I was able to see him. I balled. I thought seeing him would make it feel real, but it didnt. We met with the funeral home and made arrangements. We decided to cremate him and hold the funeral at Asbury. Chris's youth pastor was asked to officiate and he said yes. Those days seem like a blur. We didnt cremate my dad until my brother was able to see him and say goodbye. I went again and it really did help. SO hard, but it helped. He did look peaceful and like he was in no pain.

We had the funeral the same day we went to see my dad for the last time. We put out a lot of pictures and a lot of his stuff that represented his life. The service was beautiful and everything my dad would have wanted. We had a time for reflections and a lot of people got up to say the nicest things about my dad. I wrote him a poem that I'll post at the end of my blog. We also had a picture tribute and a rose ceremony. It was beautiful. We sang Amazing Grace (his favorite) and had scripture on his favorite passage, Pslam 23. Perfect. The rose ceremony was at the end and the family went and we put roses next to his picture. The song Longer Than by Dan Fogelberg played- it was my mom and dad's song. It was great. We had a receiving line afterwards and SO many people came. There are so many wonderful people in my family's lives. It was truly a blessing and a tribute to who my father was.

My dad was the best man in the world. I cant believe he is gone. I dont think I ever will. When something unexpected happens like that, I dont know if you can. It will be a process for sure and a very long journey of healing. Luckily, I have wonderful friends and an amazing family. I also have the best husband in the world that has supported me through every step of this. He's cried with me, held me, loved me, listened to me, and just done more than anyone could ever know for me. It makes it a little easier having so many wonderful people in my life.

I am the biggest daddy's girl in the world and I always will be. I love my dad SO much and miss him more than words can say. Here is my poem and some pictures:

Daddy you were my hero
For my very youngest years;
You kept me safe and happy,
And you chased away my fears.

Your love was forever strong,
Your cuddles forever tight.
Everyday since I was born,
Your love was always in sight.

I watched in awe and wonder
At each manly thing you did;
Oh, how I looked up to you,
When I was a little kid.

You may have thought I didn't see,
Or that I hadn't heard,
Life lessons that you taught to me,
But I got every word.

Daddy you were still my hero,
As the years passed, one by one.

You held my hand and encouraged me

But still always had time for fun

You were the biggest jokester

And could always make me smile

Cracking joke after joke after joke

You would have me rolling for miles

You were my firm foundation;
On you I did depend;
You were always there for me,
My dad, my guide, my friend.

Daddy you are still my hero,
Now that I am fully grown.
I love you and respect you,
You are the best man I've ever known.

You loved your family dearly

Throughout all your years

The impact that you made on us

In our hearts will always be near.

Daddy you were the most faithful man

That anyone could ever know.

Even with all your pain and suffering

Your love for Christ continued to grow.

This faith you taught to your family

And to it always hold on

To trust Christ with all our hearts

And our hope would never be gone.

Without you, Dad, I wouldn't be
The woman I am today;
You built a strong foundation
No one can take away.

Now you will be in Heaven,

And it seems easy to go grow apart
But Dad, that just wont happen,
because you are written on my heart.

I will always be your little girl,
And you will always be my Dad.
I know I will always be the luckiest,
To have the best Dad any girl could have had.

My Daddy I love you with all my heart,
Much more than I ever say.
You are my world, my everything,
and will continue to be each and every day.

He was always such a goof ;)

Rest In Peace Daddy. I love you and will miss you until I get to see you again :D