Home Alone!

So John flew home last Wednesday for a great opportunity he was presented :D His old employer- WRAL hired him to do some free lance work for them for the Raleigh Christmas Parade. :D They paid him well and I know he was honored by the fact that they wanted him to come all the way from Miami to help! I am SO proud of him! He decided that since he was going home to go home a few days before hand so he left on Wednesday and stayed until Sunday. I, of course, was sad he was leaving me. At the same time however, I was excited to spend some time to myself! I ended up really enjoying the time I had. I scrapbooked- A LOT and watched tons of Law and Order: SVU :D I also of course had to work still. BUT it was very relaxing! Then of course the State game against Carolina was that Saturday! I watched it and scrapbooked and the game about gave me a heart attack! BUT we WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D I keep being sad because my dad would have LOVED to have seen this season! BUT I also keep thinking that it might be a little gift from him :D I know that's silly, but a girl can hope :D

Anyway, I planned a VERY fancy dinner for John for when he flew back :D I made stuffed mushrooms as an appetizer. Then I made homemade pasta! and I made them into raviolis and stuffed them with mushrooms, crab meat, and 3 cheeses. I put the ravioli in an mushroom alfredo sauce. It was DELICIOUS! I also made a ceaser salad and garlic bread to go with it. And brownies for dessert. It was AMAZING :D SO YUMMY!! I was very proud of myself!

Finally pictures! :D I wish I had more but here are some...

The stuffing for the ravioli...

The ravioli I made! This is before I cooked them and put sauce on them. I dont have an after picture, but I was really proud!

My stuff mushrooms! they were DELICIOUS!



Of course John wasnt hungry when I picked him up be we ate a little any way and then had more later. I dressed up for dinner and told him I was taking him to cafe Martin. lol. It was a lot of fun and really nice to have John home ;D LOVE him!

Now, I am EXCITED for a 4 day break! it is beyond needed!

4 months later...

I cant believe that it has already been four months since my dad passed away. Even as I write this, I still cant even believe it is real. four months. wow. I think I am actually not doing as well as I thought I was. I have been REALLY sad lately. I dont know if it's because I started thinking about him more or if it's because of the holidays coming up, or what it is. I just know it's been way harder lately. I just keep thinking about all that he is missing out on (I know Heaven is WAY better and he is no longer in pain, but I want to share so much still!). He is never going to get to visit us down in Miami, never going to get to see my children, and cant hear of the day to day stuff going on in any of our lives. And I keep thinking about all the things I miss. I miss hearing his voice, seeing his crooked smile, hearing him make fun of me and then there have been so many times that I am having tough time and want to just call him up and vent. I didnt do that as much as I wanted to while he was here and now I regret that. I guess there is always something you wish you did more of and I was VERY blessed with my relationship with my dad, so I guess I cant be too regretful. He was the best dad ever and still is :D

Lately, I have been thinking about Thanksgiving coming up and have been really worried about how my mom, brother, and sister are going to handle my dad not being there. I wont be able to make it home for Thanksgiving so it has had me really concerned. Then I realized that it's really going to impact me too. Last year, John and I decided to have our first Thanksgiving at our apartment and I cooked A LOT of good food! It was an AMAZING Thanksgiving and both of our families came. My mom, dad, sister, and brother and his mom, dad, and sister. We had to make a special ramp for my dad to get into the building, but it was totally worth it. Looking back I didnt realize that that would not only be my first with our families, but my last with my dad. It makes me so sad to think I'll never get another Thanksgiving with him, but at the same time so happy that I got to have that one :D Here are some pictures from it:
All the yummy food! :D

The first Thanksgiving we hosted as husband and wife :D

All our sweet siblings chowing down :D

The Martins!

Brother and sister love

My mom and daddy

Our last Thanksgiving all together :(


Again, I am SO thankful John and I were able to host a Thanksgiving with my dad here:D I'll always be thankful for that.

I honestly still cannot wrap my mind around him being gone. I think that makes it harder. I have decided that I will start seeing a counselor about it. I think that will help. While I have GREAT support, I think a counselor will be able to help too. I think it will always be hard, because I will always be his little girl. I watched our wedding video the other day and was excited and sad all at the same time because I got to see him again. pathetic- i know. But it was nice.

Should I be who you want me to be?

I am sure you are all familiar with the new Lebron Nike commercial where he is asking the question "Should I be who you want me to be?" I like it. The commercial and some recent events in my life have really made me think about who I really am. I have found myself over and over again trying to mold myself to what other people want me to be. I have always wanted people to like me and have cared a great deal of what people think about me. I think that's silly. I dont really know why I do this or why I even care so much, but the fact is that I do it. I know this may sound silly but I have also fallen victim to being who I want me to be and I find that to be very selfish and it gets me nowhere. NOWHERE. So over the past few days as I have been thinking about this I have really tried focusing one who God wants me to be and realized that that is how I need to live my life- regardless of what other people think. I cant do this life my way and by myself. But, God can help me be who I want to be. I want to be who He wants and needs me to be. I am tired of being selfish and I am tired of caring what other people think. If you dont like me and what I stand for- fine. Now please dont get me wrong, I am still southern at heart and I also have a huge heart- none of that will change. I just plan on focusing on what Christ has in store for me and figuring out who He wants me to be. This will take some time to get used to though, as I have lived most of my life trying to make people like me. I want people to like me, but I want them to like me for the real me, not the person I think I should be around them.

I believe because I work so hard at trying to make people like me and am constantly worried what people think I apologize for EVERYTHING. and that is just really not fair. I know it drives John nuts, but I am in such a habit of saying sorry that I dont even realize that I say it sometimes. I dont want to be that person. And I dont want to worry about what others think anymore. I just want to pay attention to what God wants. He has given me SO much in this life that I am so very grateful for. A wonderful husband that words really cant describe, a very loving family, the ability to get 2 degrees, and has provided me with an amazing job and above wonderful friends. I dont want to waste all that on trying to be someone everyone else wants me to be. I want to be the me Christ wants because that's who my husband, family, and friends love :D

Yikes!

This past week at UM was homecoming, which meant that Friday night was their homecoming parade. I was pumped because I was going to get to drive a convertible (had never driven one!) in the parade as I was escorting Mr. and Miss Eaton (one of the residential colleges here). We got the cars from Enterprise and ended up picking them up around 5:30pm that day (a pain bc they were supposed to be there at 3 and the enterprise people were really rude. Anyway, it's the first rental car that I got to drive at 25! woot! here is a picture of it:

I LOVED IT! It was a Sebring and so smooth to drive! :D well my awesome experience turned into not so awesome the next morning. I couldnt return the car that night because they were closed. It had to be returned by 11:30 the next day. It's like 2 minutes down the road so I left at about 11:10 :D I needed to get gas so I stopped at the closest station. I could NOT figure out how to open the dang gas tank and pulled out my phone to call John since he was meeting me at Enterprise to give me a ride home. I figured he may have an idea. Well of course as it starts ringing I figure it out, so I just hang up and set the phone down on the car. BAD IDEA. DONT EVER DO THAT. EVER. I pumped the gas, got in the car and drove away :(. I realized this about halfway to enterprise, but of course I was almost already late and didnt want to have another day charged. I went into the store and waited for the enterprise guy to help me. Of course he answered like 3 phone calls and was helping someone else. Then he looked at me and told me was going to go do something and then help me out and I guess he could tell I was in a panic because very rudely he goes "unless you are in a hurry or something." Ugh. I told him that I left my phone at the gas station and wanted to get there before someone stole it (this was before I realized the true horror of what happened). He goes well your boss hasnt turned her car in either yet and we close in a minute- will you call her. I looked at him like "are you serious right now?" I was like- I just told you I left my phone at the gas station, so I cant really call. So he started looking for her number and was like you can use our phone. He must have seen my face because then he is like I'll just give your receipt to her when she shows up so you can leave. I was like thanks and left. Well we drove back to the gas station and of course it wasnt there. I did however find it on the street :( it had been run over. a few times. :( Some how it still worked even though it was shattered. I was very fortunate for that because Apple was able to give me a replacement for $200 instead of $600. Ugh. I wouldnt have a phone if it was $600! $200 was already ridiculous. John is a great man for replacing it for me :D Here is a picture of it after it was run over.


The second reason Saturday sucked was because we lost our football game and we should not have :( Luckily, the awful teams that needed to win for us to be in the same standing we were before the game won. So I guess that's sorta good- I just HATE depending on other teams when I know ours has all the talent they need to do it themselves.

Luckily, the rest of the weekend was great! LoL! John and I just hung out a lot. I had also taken Monday off and it was AMAZING! It was really just what I needed! I think one of the best things about taking a week day off is that it means only a 4 day week. lol :D

moving on?

So the past few days have been really hard for me for some reason. Everything keeps reminding me of my dad and it just makes me so sad. On top of that I have had SO many dreams about him too! Not the good dreams where we are playing together or spending time together, but of the news of him dying again. Just awful. I am so glad I have John because it's made me pretty depressed. I am clearly not over it and have found that I may not have moved on like I thought I had. I thought I was doing better, but now I am not sure. However, I think there will be many periods like this in the healing process. I read many places that it may take a full year to comprehend it all and heal. So we shall see.

Yesterday, I got a card from one of my uncles. It was really sweet. It was a picture of an angel with a super soaker :D The front said something like "When rain comes out of nowhere it's fun dads getting us with their super soakers" That pretty much sums up my dad. lol I know he would be doing that! So it made me laugh and made me cry. However, it was really nice that so long after my dad passed that I got a card. I HATED them in the beginning because it was just a constant reminder of what had just happened. However, now it makes me think that people are still thinking about him and my family and what we are going through. So thank you Uncle Ronnie :D It really meant a lot to me.

So, if you can, please keep praying for healing for my family :D

busy, busy, busy

Woooooo! This past week and this week have been busy! As you know from my last post, Nate had a beautiful little girl! He is out (obviously) and has asked me to cover his building for the two weeks he is out. That was last week and this week. I LOVE that I am here to cover and help out a good friend:D however, it has made me super busy! Juggling 3 buildings is a lot! LOL. Last week we had a TON of programs- mostly Halloween related and we had the Mr. and Miss Eaton pagent- which was a lot of fun. Part of my responsibilty in helping out with Eaton is having 1:1's with his staff and attending the staff meetings and helping where needed. I must say this has been my favorite part of working over there. It's been fun getting to know other students on campus and they are a really good team. So it's been fun :D

I am however, exhausted! I think that it's a combination of a bunch of things, but I am looking forward to Thanksgiving so I can just relax. I may take a mental health day before that tho. lol. I just need to reenergize.

I have also been too tired to go to the gym like I have wanted to. HOWEVER, since coming back from home I lost 3lbs the first week and 2lbs last week! WOOT! The couch to 5K has really been kicking my butt and most days I feel like giving up on it. But I cant. I put it on my 25 things to do list. lol that and when I run a 5K I have decided I want to run it in honor of my dad. So, now I kinda have to. :D

So here is to some rest and continuing losing weight! :D

Miss Chayse Arabella Johnson!

Our friends here in Miami, Nate and Leigh Ellen, had their beautiful baby girl Chayse Arabella Johnson on 10-24-10 at 746 pm. She was 8 lbs 9.2oz and 20 inches long. I am SO happy for them! :D She is adorable!

She is also so TINY! We went to visit them in the hospital the next afternoon and I know I have seen a newborn before, but I forgot how little they are! I was afraid I was going to do something wrong! So was John. lol. So delicate.

It's a little strange that she's actually here now! We've been hanging out with them since we moved here and we kept waiting for it, but now it's kind of surreal. lol. I know they will be amazing parents because they have such great hearts :D

I talked to Nate one night about everything and started thinking about what he will mean to her as she grows up and it made me think about my dad and how important that relationship is. Of course it made me a bit sad because I miss my dad more than anything in this world, but Nate is such an amazing guy that I know he will mean that much to his little girl too :D Daddy/Daughter relationships are one of the most precious things that I can think of and that may be because I was so lucky- but I believe it to be true. And that's not to say that Mother/Daughter relationships are not precious also, they are equally as important- just different.

Anyway, CONGRATULATIONS NATE AND LEIGH ELLEN! I know you will be AWESOME parents and I look forward to being apart of that little girls life!! :D

(I stole these Nate! :D)
Daddy and Chayse


Happy Halloween!

Mommy and Chayse in her supergirl outfit! :D

I took a picture with her when we went to the hospital, but of course I dont have access to it now, but I will post it! :D