How many times?

Last week was a pretty rough week for me. I was sad all week and could really feel the depression from the loss of my dad. I HATE feeling like this! I can feel it getting worse and I've noticed that I have started to feel lonely. I actually didn't realize that that was the feeling I was having until I was listening to a song at the gym this morning. It's from Third Day- When the rain comes- and starts like this:

"When the rain comes you think that everyone has gone away.
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't find someplace,
To run and hide,
Escape the pain,
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do." (great song, you should listen to it)

I realized that I have not wanted to talk about it with anyone. When I think about my dad I get super sad and just feel like I cant deal with it. I am pretty much hiding from my feelings and as a result have started to feel lonely about it. I am glad that that song played today so I could understand what was happening to me.

I have also felt so bad lately because I am tired ALL the time. John makes fun of me because I like to sleep a lot anyways, but it has gotten a lot worse. I actually got mad at John last night because we were watching football and I fell asleep and he seemed sad. All he wanted to do was spend time with me and I got mad, well first I was upset at myself and then I just got mad. Oh my dramatic side. I realize now though that I have been sleeping an abnormal amount and it's not fair to him or to me. So, I did a little research and found that everything I am going through is normal and the best thing for me to do now is to talk about how I am feeling. UGH. I don't want to do that. haha. BUT if it will help me accept my dad's death, I'll try anything. I just don't want to be sad anymore and feel like crying all the time. I just want to be my old happy self :D

I also starting feeling like I wasn't pleasing everyone that I need to be. Like I am being stretched to thin. If I sit down and think about it- I am really not being stretched too thin, even though I feel like I am. Hence, I am taking my very non stressful life right now and making it stressful - that's something I have always been good at.

So as I was thinking about all of this this morning at the gym, another song came on. Again, by Third Day- Take My Life- and goes like this:

"How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the sand on the shore.
But every time,
You've taken me back.
And now I pray You do it once more.

Please take from me my life,
When I don't have the strength,
to give it away to You Jesus.

How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the stars in the sky.
But every time You've taken me back.
And now I pray You do it tonight.

Please take from me my life,
When I don't have the strength,
to give it away to You Jesus."

It made me realize even more- why am I trying to do this all by myself? Why do I always try to do everything by myself? ESPECIALLY,when I have a God so great that will help me through it all. So I asked myself today- how many times? how many times am I going to turn away? and when that does happen, I pray that Jesus takes my life from me when I don't have the strength to give it to Him. He can help me get through the loss of my dad and He can help me not always be so stressed out. I just have to always remember to give it to Him. It seems so simple- yet so easy to forget.

Needless to say, I am so glad that I chose to run to Third Day this morning. Hopefully this was the realization that I needed to start moving past the sadness to celebrating the good times I had with my dad :D and moving past the stress and worry to knowing that God can handle everything I give Him and I can handle everything He gives me :D